Learning To Breathe

Bulls**t Syndrome

I have my own particular brain based emotional difficulties. I always push people away from me. I think I'm scared to let people get close to me. Lately, it's much more obvious.

What are some possible reasons why I constantly push people away (metaphorically speaking)?
As a little girl, I'm afraid they might reject me, so I reject them first. Fear that either they will, in time, hurt me, or me to them.
As a not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman, because of past experiences, I may have trust issues and/or fear of abandonment. In the past I trusted too freely and now I want people to "earn" my trust. A single episode of devastating life event scars not only our souls but our gray matter as well. I have more than one episode. Waaahhh I might be selfish at times. I may also not wish to invest the time, emotion and energy to maintain new friendships, especially without a guarantee that it will last or fearing that the person may prove to be too needy or too demanding.

I tend to cover up emotion whenever possible. If someone asks me how I’m doing, I always say “just fine” no matter how I really am. The only other thing I’ll admit to is “tired”. Hell, there are nights when I had my little meltdown in my room where no one could see me.

Over and over again spinning in my head. I let go here, somewhat (it feels safer, since I'm not physically in front any of you), but that’s about it. So here I posted a rather emo blog. It felt wrong, but I made myself do it anyway. I’m hoping if I start loosening up a bit online, I’ll eventually feel better.

Stolen - usted robó el corazón, Im suyo para siempre

I'm just fine =)!

I’m Hairy Pouter

My hair is rebonded once again, the end result is extremely sleek straight look with added shine, softer than my previous hair texture. My original hair is straight-wavy and quite thin so now it becomes much more thinner aiyyok lurus panjang nipis cam antu jepun pons ade.

I've tried both Shiseido(1st time, last year) and Loreal(2nd time yesterday), satisfied with both. The whole process normally takes about 4 to 5 hours, depending on the thickness of the hair.
I consider rebonding as a great idea for easy hair maintenance because there is no need to brush your hair, just "gune jari pon bole" indeed it is true ahaaa. The hair condition stays in around a year!

But for this 2nd time, i do admit that i'm kinda bored with the chopstick head. Maybe because the stylist did not cut my hair after the session, he said that my current haircut is great enough, no need for a trim (what?duhh). I told him I want side parting or bangs. Then he told me to get it cut after 2 weeks.
Dalam hati: "Ahhh wait some more, I want to see some dramatic changes like..NOW, hellowww.." hahaha gedix disitu, tp aku senyap jer

Maybe next month I'll get a new haircut or maybe I'll wait after 2-3 months then i'll get my hair permed wahaha rusaks la ramutku ini

Bermulelah post-treatment care for 2-3 days:
- should not wash my hair
- wear shower cap during bathtime
- avoid tying my hair
- avoid tucking it behind my ears
- pakai tudung kne letak rambut dlm baju

Peliharalah rambut anda, sesungguhnye rambut adalah mahkota wanita - dolu2 slalu dgr ayat nih tapi di mana ya

P/S: Buat saudara Radin yang membace dari Germany-yg-ulu, sile la potong ramut ko cepat2 (ha amekk ko hohoho..banyak point eh ko ngn aku skang amboi2)

Waiting Game

I'm staring at VB coding + waiting to go back home at 5.30 pm.
There are days that i play this waiting game (ble suda bosan buat keje).

How to play -
Let say the last time u saw it was 4.30, bajet2 the next time tgk jam it will be the next 1 hour (set the time urself, the longer the better)
You are a winner if the current time = or > dr time yg dibajetkan tadi

I took a course in speed waiting. Now
I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
• Steven Wright

Balik seblom kul 6 awal sket coz tonite 8pm ade IT Dept. Dinner @ Oiishi Restaurant, Kuantan Berjaya Megamall. Will go there with Ayuni at +7pm.

Business Meetings

This week is so full of meetings + discussions

uh the most impact(bang!) was on Monday - the kickoff meeting of yearly BASF Site Benchmarking. That day, I felt so nervous thinking about the responsibilities. I went back from office with doubts, self-conscious perhaps.Tekejut kut, first day of the week da ade meeting yg serious.

As I attended more meetings throughout the week (Monthly Dept meeting, UAT meeting, getting work done with project personnel), i felt so much better. There are also rescheduled meetings but group discussions took over the slots most of the time.

The equation : drag my feet to office + get help/ask questions + push myself to learn + preparation = feeling better On Friday, stayed up till 7.45pm and came out with this post ahaaa (actually..i'm still feeling a bit nervous) anyway, have a nice weekend all! Balik keje duluuuuu uuu uu uu

Quite Busy At the Moment..So..

[Last ] letter of ur name?
+ a

[ Last ] thing you ate?
+ choc

[ Last ] thing u drank?
+ plain water

[ Last ] song you listened to?
+ soledad by westlife - ayuni pasang kat workstation die

[ Last ] movie you watched?
+ The Curse of the Golden Flower - a rather weird movie

[ Last ] TV show you watched?
+ grey's anatomy @astro Starworld

[ Last ] person who sent you an sms?
+ Alan

[ Last ] time you cleaned your room?
+ Yesterday

[ Last ] CD/Cassette bought?
+ Lifehouse

[ Last ] travel?
+ travel back home, does it count? jauh gak tuh drive gebeng ke seremban

[ Last ] time you cried?
+ i'm not sure - hey hey good for me, ade improvement dlm idup

[ Last ] person who you chatted online with?
+ i don't remember, da lame sgt tak chatazz

[ Last ] website you browsed?
+ friendster

[ Last ] time you shopped?
+ end of December 2006 - my first pay suda melayang

[ Last ] person you hated?
+ him

[ Last ] person u were thinking of?
+ him as the above question triggered me

[ Last ] time u fell sick?
+ i don't remember but now i have two ulcers in my mouth

[ Last ] person u chatted on the phone with?
+ my dad - regarding my roadtax yg suda mati pastu selambe je drive ari2 sampai skang waaa ampun pak polisi

[ Last ] place you went to?
+ office - BASF PETRONAS Chemical Site in Gebeng, Pahang

[ Last ] friend you met?
+ yg dekat ayuni (ari2 jumpe), yg jalan kaki punye jauh arien+wafa+epoi+paid+matyie+other utpians time amek BBQkambeng, yg jauh shasha+diha+fira kat The Curve 1st Jan

P/S - Congrats to Zura coz da dpt keje Pet kat Miri huhuhu wengurls kene wat gathering nih, jauh tuuu

Perfectly happy being miserable!

This morning was pretty uneventful.
(I feel as though I should knock on wood after writing that.
I don’t want to jinx myself.)
Thanks to me, now my car has an abstract art of scratches and kemekk. Huhh terlanggar tembok pagar rumah, hmm slalunye reverse ok je, ari da kene daa. I'll have further look on the 'art' after I get back from work. Tick tock tick tock. Needless to say I am a bit worried till now.

info yg xde kaitan ngn isu diatas* - I'm happy for a friend who is finally in-a-relationship hehe =)! Congrats dear hehe