Spoiled
Suddenly, I heard voice of a little girl in the background. I asked, “Who’s that?” As a proud uncle, he said it’s Nurin, the eldest of among the three-little-princesses. After a while she sounded like she’s starting to cry, I asked, “Why is she crying?” In a lovely way he assured “No, she’s not. She’s just making noises. She’s spoiled. Like you too”. I replied a brief silence. Deviously, he knows me too much.
There I was, realizing this shit. Is this really what I am? After the strut and the words and the attitude, why am I fucking childish when it comes to him? Damn! He’s the man – I say man because he is one – and because being with him made me feels like a little girl, but not in that sense of fun toothy smile, lollipops and ruffled skirt girly way. It’s in that little way, the way it is when you not even realize someone witness you in a state of childishness.
I kinda thought that I'd be over him in a month or two, which was about years ago. I thought that I could replace him. So I was seeing others. And I can remember just looking back at others with this empty vessel with clear eyes. Each of them just a body, a replaceable person with replaceable, silly words they thought I’d believe in. There’s this one guy, which in the end I didn’t feel anything when I’m with him – literally nothing – not sad or happy. And this is what I noticed most about this guy, and why, if for any reason, I’m glad I met him, because so much of that feeling pervades my life. The sense that I’m living in a moment, experiencing it, but consciously wishing it to be something else bigger and grander. Willing myself to feel and to want to believe I can transform people, make or ‘sculpt’ them into someone who can fulfill all this shit I long for that I don’t have.
What if deep down, in the dark, everyone is, that little baby girl who wants to be needed and loved and protected? Then we try to find someone who can satisfy that need when we need it. When does that feeling become too overwhelming to handle? When are you forced to take what you can get? How do you reconcile that settle? Do you always play tricks on yourself, saying your expectations were too grand, or that you have now changed? What makes one person pick another, and why that person? Where are they from and what do they want – what do they say they want, really – what are they actually getting and how does it, of course, never match up? Too much questions to answer huhh
But then again, there you can see, proven by experience; I would only be fooling myself if I tried to believe there’s room for someone else in my heart. There isn’t any way I'm getting over him. I don’t know what I’ve been trying to prove. I’ll hold my tongue so he’ll think that I’ve moved on. Fuck, you know what? I want that.
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