Learning To Breathe

Silence is Golden...

Probably he’s on the way right now…

I don't really know him actually. We rarely communicate.

Difference. Distance. Egoism. Silence. Negativity. Ignorance. Reluctance.

Yet there is a quizzical story to tell. There’s an unspoken love + hate bond between us: a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain + care that pulls us close and holds us there. It is beautiful. It is confusing. It is illogical. It is amazing. Definitely time consuming.

Eight years gone by and still some words don’t come easily for us. I can’t stand him; sometimes I just hate him mmg rase nak lepuk2 je kpale, yet he’ll be the one to fix me when I’m broken. Each time I run back to him, he’ll clean up my wounds, heal my scars and let me fly again. He never asks me to stay and I’m always happy to fly free. Exactly a year ago, I had an extreme fear to fly again; I was so scared to a point where I even asked him to let me stay. He slapped me with his words. He wanted me to think deeper, be stronger and assured. Secretly, I trust him, he earns it. So here I am now, flying again, even higher than before yeayy! No turning back because I left too much mess and destruction.

I wasn’t sure then and still am not sure who he is in my life or who am I in his life. I know this could all disappear or this could be an endless story…..and I don’t even dare to ask him why he agreed to come to Kuantan all the way from north - just for a day, just to accompany me (huh really??), I rather starve myself for the truth, I’m not in a hurry, we’ll linger on…..

By the way, in an almost-2-hour conversation with Zura (waaa byk tuu bil ko nanti), she expressed her concern about this, she’s a good friend, and she doesn’t want me to fall in that dark place ever again. Luv u gurl. I promise I’ll be extra cautious. I better start weaving my own safety net - well, silence is golden but I think someday it’s going to kill me if I do nothing.

Holiday

I’ve been thinking about getting to someplace far away from my everyday normal life. To walk within the lines would make my life so boring. It’s about time for me to take a break. I wanna run free again, let down all my defenses, and use no common sense, wasting my time all day long. We live in such fragile lives and I realize that sometimes this is the best way to survive.

Got a long distance call from an ol’ fren. Talked for 1 hour ++ on the phone with him, impersonating “Seriously?Seriously” (Grey’s Anatomy) a lot hahaha. He’ll be back to Malaysia on July 10^th. Perfecto mate! I’ll be in KL for the whole week on that particular period. Jokingly I would love to tell a story about him here, but no, let his life remains confidential online ecece bagus tol aku merespect privacy ko kan. So c ya when I c ya.

Well, back to the topic, I better start planning for a holiday. My perfect holiday does not need to be extravagant. I just need a perfect mate (at least) to have fun with!

Another Weekend + 2 Days

Saturday – Pretty much wasted my time lying in my bed. Umm in between did ordinary weekend chores like cleaning, sweeping, body pampering, laundry, planning + daydreaming? Huhh my phone is buzzing consistently throughout the day, but I just ignored it huhuhu. It gets to a point where I realized I’m actually comfortable being single and surround myself with my friends + family. Woww I can’t believe I make this statement, bcoz I used to love being in a relationship. Now I have better understanding on stages that I’ve been through in life. Well, like I always said, time will tell, I’ll just wait. Who knows I’ll be a desperado next muahaha (hope not!)

Sunday – After I got up, I felt the spirit for a good-hair day, so I hit the salon in the evening for a scalp treatment and trimming. On my way, I spent some time with Shasha on the phone; she just finished her PIPE, good to hear her loud laugh again, thanks for calling Sha. My bangs are really short right now; I hope it grows out beautifully in 3 weeks time. Later I went to Ayuni’s house and lepaking with her and Duha. Ayuni also has a new hairdo – she added golden highlights and much shorter bangs. We went out to Secret Recipe, indulging ourselves with cakes. Then the three of us bought Mother’s Day cards for our mums. It’s the least thing I do for my mum to show how special she is to me. Until now, my mum doesn’t get why I spend so much for my hair. Once she asked, “Kakyong, kau da tak pakai tudung ke?” I bursted out laughing and immediately denied. Deep down I know she actually understands me.

Monday - Extra one day off for Pahang in celebration of Hol Day. I don’t even know what a Hol Day is, but I can say that it is a good day; after all it beats my usual Monday Blues. I did an unusual thing today – I put an effort to cook a proper (not-so) meal for myself. Emm my cooking is still bad *sigh =S sendiri sdar pulak tuh. I actually miss my family. My siblings always get excited whenever I announce I want to cook something, and they always help me in the kitchen, and then they eat (swallow) everything although sometimes tak sedap. So sweet of ‘em. My dad called me in the evening. Yes, surprisingly, I miss home. Weird. Very unusual me.

Tuesday – Hectic at work as a new project starts this week, upgrading ATLIS system to Oracle 10g. I’ll be working closely with an American guy named Billy Hugan for 2 weeks. Then he’ll fly back to US leaving me with the upgraded system. End of this month, Antony will also leave the company, probably he'll go back to India, isk isk cuakknyer plak saye soang2 wat keje, byk lg projek beratur nih...

Can I?

I have asked 4 selected different people the same question “Can I just love the beach but not the ocean?” and below are the results:

■ NO – I got 2 no’s and we are near the beach as I popped the question. First, it was last year; he provocatively said no and told me I have to love both. Second, 2 days ago, much calmer than 1^st one to say no and explained why I have to love both.

■ YES – I asked as we sat together at the beach in dark gloomy weather last year. He silenced and looked at me for few seconds. Firmly he said “Yes…you can”.

■ DON’T KNOW – Yesterday, I asked on the phone and he promptly said “I don’t know how to answer the question”, later he added with “maybe…kut” answer.

To be honest, it’s not a logical yes-no-I-don’t-know question; it’s more about my own subjective and personal perception. I will continue to ask the same question to others, kite lihat siape yg kena hohhoho