Learning To Breathe

Yeah, It's a Love-Hate Thing

I already spent 7k++ since the bonus; and it’s been only 5 days. Hmm that’s how little the value of money these days huhh. For me, money, it’s either you do have it or you simply don’t. If you have it, the money can easily vanished like *pooff* anyway. So I splurge, why not? Bagi duit kat budak kecik mcm aku, of course la cpat abes, bukan pikir ape sangat. Few people said to me, “simpan la untuk kawen”, terus je ringan mulut aku tanye balik, “nak kawen ngan sape?” Hahaha. Too often I get those ‘kawen’ questions lately, and I’m only 23, still young maa, kan? Hoshh, saje buat cuak je diorg ni…

Cash rules everything around the world, how ‘bout around me? Last Sunday, after a shopping spree, as all my new buys are lying on the bed, I stared at them and questioned myself – “Honestly Diyana, are you happy now?” One thing for sure, money can’t buy me happiness. But I’m not sad. I can smile and then just feel empty - nothing. Too much of something is bad enough. There’s something missing, internally. Then, I recalled a ‘Pendidikan Islam’ topic taught at secondary school, on ‘Wasatiyah’ (Balanced life/moderation) and being ‘Atawasoot’. Even our body cannot live normally without the benefits of moderation - sleeping, waking, eating, drinking, exercising, in staying away or mixing with others etc. I’m not giving ceramah agama here, tak layak pon nak bagi, but spiritual faith can really nourish your soul y’know. As for me, I know I have a long long way to go from here…I’m (still) partly on the dark side, jahil in putting into practice.

Welcoming the year 2-0-0-8, start your countdown peeps. Time flies. Short review of 2007 - I’m evolving adequately in life, had few ups and downs, met bunch of interesting people, old fellas and new, dengan harapan semua watak2 utama kekal untuk tahun hadapan. I don’t have any new year’s resolution, blerghh, hardly ever had one before.

Hate is usually attached to something/someone that you love, at first you love them, and you are careful to not color outside the lines, but then- it just gets messy. Messes are inevitable.

Flee Plea by the Queen

I recognize my own pattern - if I don’t go anywhere different or I don’t see any escape route after a while, bammn! Then my head starts to crack and I’ll certainly be tempted to create new drama in my life. Oh yes there’s a drama queen in me… she’s extremely divine but I bet u don’t want to wake her up on regular basis. I’m just so fucking tired of routines. I’m fucking tired goddamnit! I know I’m in trouble when all of a sudden my body is furtively cooperating with my heart, not with my head anymore. And where in the world do these face breakouts come from?? Hate them so much right now. Oh I can be so motherfucking vain. OK OK enough, the queen has spoken and holy-fucking-shit she swears a lot. Hell I’m not sorry for all the bad words.

But anyway, life isn’t that bad after all, I’m getting my 1^st ever bonus in few days time heheh. Hoping it reaches 5 digits. Berangan dah ni. Let’s splurge! Mom and dad will get a pleasant surprise bcoz I plan to give them supernice treat, wait for me please, I’ll be back home tomorrow…Umph see see I’m still a good girl eh =) I choose to be an obedient daughter simply because they are worth it. Even so, I still strongly believe on the fact that we people are all just naturally self-centered selfish bitches/bastards. Oh just stop the crazy cycle of denials now please…bla bla blaa

P/S – I’m utilizing my annual leave in quest to find my head…again

Is It Just Me

I was busy last weekend doing whatever consuming the days – cousin’s son 1st birthday party on Friday, dinner with Shahreen + her colleagues on Saturday, 3 gals WiFi-ing at Old Town Kopitiam then continued at Starbucks on Sunday afternoon, shopping and being ‘Enchanted’ at night.

BUT

Still I can’t deny the strange sense in my rib cage. The chest constricts and my breathing gets shallower. The small bruises on my heart start to bleed. My mind is constantly churning out questions in my sleep. I’m gloomy deep inside. I can only guess that someone feel the same I do.

P/S - On the brightside, I counted my pay slips the other day, I have exactly 12 = been a year, time flies...* tiny yeayy